Preface: This was a blog write that I did in the middle of the night following an emotional meltdown in 2020.

I’ve always known that having a child is an experience that no one can truly explain. Yet I never thought it’d change my life and worldview so deeply.

You know those moments where you can’t take your eyes off your child as they explore the world around them or when they let their strengths shine? Well, I have found myself caught in many of these moments lately. Lost and captivated.

In total transparency, I can’t sleep as I am doing my best to cherish, captivate and encapsulate my thoughts. Being a mother is a gift I dearly cherish and I’ve dedicated my soul and self to being the best mom I can be for my daughter and family. It takes heart, and new “eyes.”

Now I’ve always known that I am a nurturer and find it easy to put others needs first. I’d hope the people in my life would explain me as being uplifting and caring. (Sounds like good qualifications of a mother). Well friends, I always thought that having those characteristics would make being a mom (or parent) , shall I say, easier. Boy was I wrong. If you think about it- it’s very similar to marriage. Just because you love each other sincerely- it doesn’t make it any easier.

With all of this, I feel like the challenge the universe presented to me, is a gift. I am by far a better person because of my daughter. My world is richer and my perspective is clearer because of her. In seven (eleven)* years, I have gotten to know the world around me in a whole different way. I can’t say it enough but because of her I love deeper and I see and feel more than I ever did before.

Let me explain. When my daughter was born, she was ready to let the world know she arrived. She may have been dancing in my belly, but she came out singing (or screaming!) After experiencing a whole new level of exhaustion, I knew this mom thing was no joke. Yet I knew my role of being her mom was the most important thing in the world. I was all in- no questions asked.

After a lot of nights with little sleep and full time working mommin it- I still cherished every little moment. Through the tears, giggles and new phases, I was proud to be a mom. She gave me light to life. And as she grew older, she gave me new perspective.

Now as she got older, I have learned how to be responsive to her needs as well as when to push her just enough to grow. You’d think this to be an intuitive sense- knowing when and how to respond as well as knowing when to push and pull back- but it’s not. That’s why having a partner to provide feedback and having a mom-circle-of-support is crucial for sanity sake. Being dedicated to doing my best at being a positive role model and supportive parent is a job full of hard work and heart filled effort. A true purpose to my life.

With this, I have a little message to my sweet girl after dealing with some big feelings. Here is my small note of appreciation for the lessons we learn together: I understand when you snuggle me close that you’re seeking comfort. I know you have a tough time with working through hard emotions. I know you do your best to keep calm when you feel those hard feelings coming on fast. I know it’s hard for you when your mind takes over your body response. I know it is hard when you feel aggravated but you can’t name what’s causing it. I know it’s hard when the lights are too bright, the clothes are too tight, or the sound just isn’t right. I know it’s hard when you’re keeping your body under control (and that it takes all of your mental energy to do so). I know I am your safe place and you release all your energies to me. I know that you love me and you don’t mean to hurt me when you’ve flipped your lid. I see in your eyes how sad it makes you when you recognize you’ve released your stress. Yet darling, what I want you to know most of all is- I love you. I love you through it all. I am proud of you. You are the strongest girl I know. You are the most caring and kind hearted person in the universe. You are sincere. You are true hearted. You have a heart of gold, a resilient soul and a beautiful mind. I am so incredibly honored to have you in my life. You make the world a better place, simply by being YOU.

As I end this reflection, I embrace the gift of growth and the gift of having a beautiful daughter to share it with. To the many moments ahead of building resiliency, hope, connection and reflection.